I’ve been in an ongoing pity party for about four months now. I didn’t realize that’s what’s been going on this long. I figure I was just in a funk. How did I even get here in the first place?
It started December 27, when I found out my second pregnancy was a blighted ovum, and that I would miscarry. My ache for a baby and the drawn out process of trying to conceive again took its toll on me. It was the proverbial straw that broke my back, sending me back down to the bottom. The angst of waiting each month to try again, wait the dreaded two week wait just to be disappointed by Mother Nature. Not to mention the unanswered questions: What’s wrong with me? Why is this taking so long *again*?
Another year of trying has passed and I’m beat down emotionally.
However, in the least expected moments, I had the “Aha!” moment and it all makes sense. The question came to mind this morning, “When are you going to get tired of your excuses?” Thank you God for this brain and the question I needed to hear. I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of making excuses to not do things that will definitely make me feel better. Yes, at the right time, it’s ok to feel sad, but at this point, it shouldn’t be all the time. I want to exercise and feel strong. I want to be outside. I want to do more!
I don’t want to keep trying. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to wait hand and foot on OPKs and temping every morning at 6 AM. I want to improve my relationship with my husband, family and friends. I want to improve how I view myself. Maybe this summer is the time to take a break. So what am I going to focus on? I’m going to focus on what heals me, things that bring me peace and joy. I’m going to do everything to get out of this funk and pity party.
DISCLAIMER: I know when couples stop “trying”, they generally get pregnant. I know that after a year of trying, it’s recommended to make an appointment with a specialist. I know. I’ve heard it all. It’ll happen in God’s timing. I know. It’ll happen when you least expect it. I know. You’re still young. **Insert hard eye roll**
If you want to say something to me, you can say, “I’m sorry” or even “This sucks”. I don’t need any explanations about why bringing a baby home hasn’t happened for us right now. I’m not angry with God and if I am, He can handle it. You can bet I voice it openly to Him.