The Penelope Effect
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The Penelope Effect

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The impact one life can make, no matter how small, can change us all.

So Now What?

5/6/2018

7 Comments

 
I’ve been in an ongoing pity party for about four months now.  I didn’t realize that’s what’s been going on this long.  I figure I was just in a funk.  How did I even get here in the first place?

It started December 27, when I found out my second pregnancy was a blighted ovum, and that I would miscarry.  My ache for a baby and the drawn out process of trying to conceive again took its toll on me.  It was the proverbial straw that broke my back, sending me back down to the bottom.  The angst of waiting each month to try again, wait the dreaded two week wait just to be disappointed by Mother Nature.  Not to mention the unanswered questions: What’s wrong with me? Why is this taking so long *again*?

Another year of trying has passed and I’m beat down emotionally.
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However, in the least expected moments, I had the “Aha!” moment and it all makes sense.  The question came to mind this morning, “When are you going to get tired of your excuses?”  Thank you God for this brain and the question I needed to hear.  I am tired of feeling tired.  I am tired of making excuses to not do things that will definitely make me feel better.  Yes, at the right time, it’s ok to feel sad, but at this point, it shouldn’t be all the time.  I want to exercise and feel strong.  I want to be outside.  I want to do more!
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I don’t want to keep trying.  It’s exhausting.  I don’t want to wait hand and foot on OPKs and temping every morning at 6 AM.  I want to improve my relationship with my husband, family and friends.  I want to improve how I view myself.  Maybe this summer is the time to take a break.  So what am I going to focus on?  I’m going to focus on what heals me, things that bring me peace and joy.  I’m going to do everything to get out of this funk and pity party. 

​DISCLAIMER: I know when couples stop “trying”, they generally get pregnant. I know that after a year of trying, it’s recommended to make an appointment with a specialist.  I know.  I’ve heard it all.  It’ll happen in God’s timing.  I know.  It’ll happen when you least expect it.  I know.  You’re still young. **Insert hard eye roll**

If you want to say something to me, you can say, “I’m sorry” or even “This sucks”.  I don’t need any explanations about why bringing a baby home hasn’t happened for us right now.   I’m not angry with God and if I am, He can handle it. You can bet I voice it openly to Him. 
7 Comments
Andrea
5/6/2018 05:14:44 pm

Still praying for you so much.

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Melissa Neilson
5/6/2018 07:16:44 pm

I’m so sorry Cara. This life can be pretty draining. Ryan and I are going through a divorce and I actually found out while I was pregnant. It’s so easy to wallow in despair when the plan isn’t working the way you dreamed it would, but your shift to consciously start doing things that help you to find joy and peace and love yourself and those around you more will be so helpful. That same shift has really helped me to lift my head out of the dark and make a pretty happy life, despite the mess. I hope you are able to find the things that will bring you joy and healing!

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Cara
5/6/2018 09:47:03 pm

I’m sorry, Melissa. You speak truth about making the shift mentally. Negativity can definitely overwhelm the mind.

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Tracy Nickloff
5/6/2018 11:29:55 pm

Hey Cara. This post is so great and spot-on, as all your posts are. My heart has ached for you, as has my husband's, so deeply as you have shared your grief process with all of us. Perhaps because you were due just exactly one year after us (March due date 2016) and also going through all the hormones and pregnancy, and long-distance excitement for you, then the horror of what you went through -- it was felt very keenly by us because of all that. If that makes any sense. I was angry and very very sad to hear what happened this past December. Completely unfair. I don't understand why these things happen the way they do. I can't pretend to understand, because I have not experienced such a terrible loss. I try to help as a hospital social worker when they call me to, with other moms, but there are just no words you can say.
But it was very hard for us to conceive Luke. We went through all the fuss and injections and medications, and it didn't help at all! We had harvested my eggs (1st part of IVF) and none of them fertilized, it was all for nothing which was very hard. So we went on an impromptu trip to Vegas. 😉 That was cool and helped. So when we went back and the clinic told me that I had to skip a month because doing IVF caused me to have cysts that weren't going down, I was so irritated. I was far *more* irritated when told by the staff that skipping a month of trying would be the moment I got pregnant. I had heard that crud so many times and it did bug me, and was never the case. But lo and behold, that actually did the trick that time. (That and a supplement called Fertilaid, in my opinion.) I was just shocked, we both were, how?? I spent my entire pregnancy just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it didn't. So what I am saying is, yes, do what is best and what feels right for you guys! For some, clomid helps, yet it did nothing for me, if anything it did the opposite, which I can't get into but it hindered! So who knows if assistance would even help, or if it wouldn't? You decide what's right for you, and getting through the unimaginable grief, remembering Penelope and living life sounds like a very wise plan. I know I haven't seen you in a long time, but the point of all this that is for some time I have wanted to reach out and let you know that your story touched us, and we have been praying for you. And will continue to pray. ❤

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Kristen
5/7/2018 06:57:22 am

It sucks. I don't want you to have try so hard to be happy. I wish you were happy because instead of pain and loss, life brought you gifts and joy. But I guess we can learn together how to reshape our expectations and enjoy what life gave us.

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Mom
5/8/2018 04:23:20 pm

Grief, heartache, disappointment, frustration, and waiting suck but also remember that there is still beauty and good in life and that you are both to me. My continued love and prayers are being sent as I look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. Do take time to take care of yourself and find the joy you deserve.

Love Always! Mom

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Alaina
6/2/2018 09:54:39 am

❤❤

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    God follower. Musician's wife. Penelope's mom. Corgi lover. Lifter of weights.  Continuing life after loss. 

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