I sometimes wonder what goes on in people’s heads when I post blogs about Penelope or articles about loss. I sometimes struggle with words to say when people say ‘you’re so strong’ or ‘I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me.’ I often think of what today would be like if Penelope was alive. I still think about what her personality would be like, what her laugh would sound like, what color her eyes are and if she would still have curls in her hair.
I didn’t choose this path for my life. I would never wish it upon anyone. I’m far from strong. Is it because I continue to live each day? I can manage a shower? I can laugh and smile with more ease? There were fleeting thoughts in the beginning about how hard it was to be here and how it would be easier to just be with my baby. Remember, I said they were fleeting thoughts. I have to live because I have to live for Penelope. I have to protect her memory.
How do I manage each day? Prayer. I pray a lot. I write a lot. I write to God, I write to Penelope. I cry. I cry when I talk about Penelope. I cry when I miss her. I cry when I visit her at the cemetery. I cry thinking about the future in which she will not be a part of. I allow myself to feel, so I can heal. If I make myself push those feelings down, what good would I be doing? It would manifest as anger towards something insignificant later erupting into tears. It would cause more harm than good. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, talking about the same feelings, fears and sorrows inside. But that it how I manage each day. I take each day at a time, allowing myself the time needed to feel, process and heal.
I also go to acupuncture. Needles galore. I sit in a recliner with 30-40 needles in me to release the stress, calm the anxiety and relax my mind. Crying is a way to help heal, but sometimes you need more to help your body. It has allowed me to be calm, relaxed, it gives me time to pray or sleep or both. I wake up refreshed or groggy, but regardless of that, I know my body is healing. Acupuncture has the ability to release things that may have been hindered (pain, emotions, etc…). It allows the body to heal. Something I have longed for in the past months. I needed my body to heal, I needed it to not be in a constant state of stress.
What is the point of the rambling blog? I don’t know. Every day is a step forward, but never moving on. Every day is a chance to heal from the pain, but it will never go away. Every day is a chance to remember my daughter, walking the line of talking about her and making strangers uncomfortable, or acknowledging her in privacy. Every day I long for her back, knowing I never will. Living each day for her, but looking forward to seeing her again.