2017, you were by far, the most devastating year in my life.
I hope I never have to experience this kind of heartache and pain again. What started out as a year full of joy, has ended with disappointment and crushed hopes.
While going through this first year of grief, I have learned a lot. I’ve learned that walking with joy and grief takes time. They both have a place in life. I’ve learned that while it’s good to have hope, it’s also ok to let people in your life hold onto to hope for you when you simply can’t do it. I’ve learned its ok to have bad days and not have to hide it. Honesty is ok, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. I’m sure there were more life lessons, but I think I reflect on these the most.
We were initially ending this year with a glimmer of hope for 2018. I found out I was pregnant in November. At my 8 week appointment, that hope was dashed when the ultrasound confirmed it was a blighted ovum. Nothing developed beyond a fertilized egg. So here I wait. Waiting for my body to miscarry the dream that was full of hope and redemption. Sitting in a mindset of anger and bitterness. A heart hurting in disappointment. Fearful to hope again for the future.
I don’t need words of encouragement, I just need to be sad. I might be a little less social in the coming month ahead, but that’s what I need to do to process through these emotions; a new layer of grief.
**I want to think that one day in the future, these words will be comforting and restore hope.**