It pours and I’m not just talking about the weather today.
There have been a lot of things accumulating the past few weeks, but mostly my emotions. Let’s backtrack to April 27. I got the call from my doctor that he had received Penelope’s final autopsy report. Next, May 4, I went to the funeral home to look at headstones. Then, May 10, Penelope’s 2 month anniversary date. Mother’s Day, May 14, another emotional toll. Last night, May 15, deciding on what to have engraved on her headstone. Lastly, today, May 16, I ordered Penelope’s headstone and went to Maternal Fetal Medicine to request my ultrasound images. I’m wanting a second opinion.
Needless to say the past 2+ weeks have taken quite the toll on me. Like the rain in the clouds today, I finally let it out and I cried. Not just tears, but sobs. I went into the nursery and sobbed. I look around at all her things; the crib against the wall, still without a mattress. Her stuffed animals, all lined up on the dresser. The headbands and bows, neatly placed in the wooden tray. The cloth diapers, piled up in the rocker. A room untouched, frozen in time. My brain was screaming ‘She’s supposed to be here!’ 'She should be here!' She was supposed to be here. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We’re supposed to have our daughter at home. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. I want to rock her to sleep. I want to be sleep deprived. I want to see her smiles. I want to hear her coos and giggles. This is when reality bites because I know I never will with her, even though I desperately want to.
Just like the ‘Why’ and ‘What if’ questions, the ‘should be’ statements can consume my thoughts. Every day that passes, every holiday that comes around, I will still think, ‘she should be here.’ I know there is nothing I can do to change the past and there’s nothing I would have done differently, but I can’t help but think ‘what if I just would have _____?’ So on a sad day like today, all I can think is 'she should be here...'
In the middle of this sob storm, all I keep hearing is 'write', 'go write'. I just want to keep crying, God. 'Write.' So here I am writing. Sniffling and shedding tears as I recall the past 3 hours. A day like this is nothing new. Every day is different. I never know how each day will be. Will I cry? Most likely, yes. Will I smile? Probably. Will I laugh? Depends on the day. So today isn't far off from any other day, it just happened to a sad day with encouragement from the rain.